THE HANDSTAND

september 2004





CLINTON BOOK SLAYS THREE

www.borowitzreport.com

Editor's Note: Humorous columns, like stand-up comedy, depend on timing and use of just the right words in sequence. Borowitz is an expert and Dandelion has become a fan. There is also genius in being able to turn the mundane into laughter with a sardonic twist, and tragedy, such as the Bush proclamations about WMD in Iraq, into just the right brand of sarcasm that by-passes anger and frustration. Enjoy Borowitz's column below!

Memoir Faces Safety Recall in Seven States

"My Life," the new memoir by former President Bill Clinton, fell off a bookstore shelf in Portland, Oregon today, killing three people and seriously wounding five others.

Hours after the fatal accident, believed to be the first of its kind in the history of presidential memoirs, Portland police were still attempting to piece together what turned Mr. Clinton's 957-page book into an instrument of death and destruction.

"From what we can tell, it just kind of tipped off a high shelf," said police detective Mark Drayton.  "How on earth anyone ever got it up there is still a mystery to me."

While friends of the book's victims held a prayer vigil outside the Stop, Book and Listen bookstore near the University of Oregon, seven western states ordered an "emergency safety recall" of all copies of the lengthy memoir.

"This book is more than just deadly boring - it is deadly," said Oregon Governor Ted Kulongoski.

*******
In yet another freak accident, President George W. Bush shot himself in the foot today while showing off a pistol that once belonged to Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.

Mr. Bush, who keeps the souvenir of the Iraqi strongman in the Oval Office to show to visiting dignitaries, accidentally fired the gun while twirling it on his index finger like an "Old West" six-shooter.

The president's foot was immediately treated at Walter Reed Army Medical Center and was said to be resting comfortably.

Speaking to reporters after the foot-shooting incident, Mr. Bush said, "This should leave little doubt in anyone's mind that Saddam Hussein possessed very dangerous weapons."

hahahahago'onee
ya-ZZZZ



eritrean short story to be
read to Dick Cheney and george bush at bedtime.


THE GRAVE THAT HOWLED
Malu had been very cruel and very unfeeling towards friends and foes alike when he walked this earth. Nobody liked him, and everybody spoke badly of him and his family. His was an evil family that set its heart on gold and silver. For some, he was a usurer who demanded a pound of your flesh on a silver platter.
One day he died like all mortals. The funeral was to take place the next day. The gravedigger was notified to get ready with his shovel and pick axe.
Dig! Dig! No way. The earth refused to break. No matter how hard he dug, the ground refused to part. Well, something had to be done. So they brought a dozen of sturdy men and ordered them to dig hard. Finally, the ground gave in and the hole was dug.
But when they put the remains of Malu in the grave and closed it with earth, the tomb began to moan. An eerie howling sound came out of the grave.
Hoooooooooo. It was the earth which kept refusing to take the unwelcome entry of Malu into its bowels.
Not only mankind, but the earth itself upon which Malu walked all his life doing the work of the devil and conducting his sordid business finally decided to disown him and spit him out for good.
www.shaebia.org

WORLD HISTORY 101 EXAM


       This test consists of one (1) multiple-choice question (so you better get it right!)
       Here's a list of the countries that the U.S. has bombed since the end of World War II, compiled by historian
      
William Blum:
 
        China: 1945-46
        Korea: 1950-53
        China: 1950-53
        Guatemala: 1954
        Indonesia: 1958
        Cuba: 1959-60
        Guatemala: 1960
        Congo: 1964
        Peru: 1965
        Laos: 1964-73
        Vietnam: 1961-73
        Cambodia: 1969-70
        Guatemala: 1967-69
        Grenada: 1983
        Libya: 1986
        El Salvador: 1980s
        Nicaragua: 1980s
        Panama: 1989
        Iraq: 1991-99
        Sudan: 1998
        Afghanistan: 1998
        Yugoslavia: 1999
       
        In how many of these instances did a democratic government, respectful of human rights, occur as a direct result?

        Choose one of the following:
        (a) 0         (b) zero         (c) none